The No Good, Very Bad Day of Coaching

A couple of weeks ago, I experienced what Alexander would describe as a “terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day” of coaching.

I know I am exaggerating…it probably wasn’t as bad I thought but it felt awful to me. I stumbled on words. And the words I was able to speak fluently didn’t feel like the right ones. I knew what I wanted to say in my mind but everything came out wrong.

I reacted to situations with not nearly enough patience as I should have and didn’t show enough grace when just a little grace was all that was needed. And I’m sure frustration was etched all over my face as I scrambled my way through the day.

Something just felt off.

While there are plenty of excuses to dismiss this away (tired, sick, mentally drained, hungry, or just being human), for a coach one bad experience has the potential to create cracks in trusting relationships that took weeks, months, or years to build. And once these cracks appear they are difficult to repair.

As I’ve been reflecting on how to learn from this experience, a list started forming on how to use this as an opportunity to learn and grow. So besides writing this post as a bit of therapy, a little roadmap began to emerge to guide me toward moving forward.

Capture the evidence. While it can be painful to re-live the past, capturing what led to those bad moments is a good place to start. What was it that caused me to respond (or not respond) in the way I did? What interactions did I have leading up to a bad moment? Did I get enough sleep the night before? Am I generally taking care of myself and keeping myself healthy mentally and physically? I may need to ask others for their observations as well.

Identify triggers. Look at the evidence and itemize any triggers. Looking back, I remember my heart rate rising during one encounter which should have been the signal to step back, regroup, and try again a little later.

Apologize if needed. While capturing evidence and identifying triggers, something may bubble up in your gut telling you to take action before moving forward. It did for me. As hard as it is, sometimes this includes apologizing to those impacted by your bad day. While not always necessary, the response to a little “Hey, I’m sorry about how I reacted yesterday.” often turns into a moment of encouragement from those you are apologizing to. A simple apology is often all it takes to keep tiny fractures from becoming something much deeper.

Forgive yourself. Let it go. Forgiving myself seems easier as soon as I share the experience with someone else. So perhaps you can talk to a spouse, mentor, or friend about what happened.

Start over. Get up the next morning and tackle the day with renewed vigor and a blank canvas. Keep the triggers you captured front and center throughout the day and commit to handling them differently if they should bubble up again.

If you are in the trenches doing the work of organizational change, perhaps you’ve also had one of your own “terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day” of coaching. If you’d ever like to chat about it, feel free to reach out at len@illustratedagile.com.

Stay strong everyone and forgive yourself. We need you!