Throughout our coaching journey, scenarios are encountered when we will be called upon to have an uncomfortable conversation. It’s not if it will happen, but when it will happen. There’s a good chance it happened to you already today.
Someone is not allowing others to speak. Someone else is dominating the airspace of their team and restricting the flow of ideas. Someone has a blind spot or a capability gap that is impacting the health and productivity of their team. There is unresolved tension between team members. Coaches are often equipped to handle these scenarios but some may not be.
How about when a leader demoralizes a team by overriding a decision they put serious thought into? Or a leader demands things be done their way altogether. Or a leader is constantly in “fire-fighting” mode and isn’t able to stay in a visionary place for long. These conversations get a little more challenging.
When any of these scenarios occur, the senses of an impactful coach will start to tingle. We know a response is necessary. We know we have to step in. But depending on the situation you find yourself in you may not feel comfortable having the uncomfortable conversation.
You might be:
An inexperienced coach. You may feel that you are ill-equipped to share what you have noticed. The good news is you have sensed when something needs to be addressed but the required bravery and confidence hasn’t been built up inside of you …yet.
An internal employee coach. You may feel paralyzed. Your organization may have a history of poor treatment to those who speak up against the “status quo.” Your inner voice is crying out for you to do something but the fear of ramification on your career or in keeping a stress-free work environment has kept you immobilized.
An external vendor coach. Similarly, if you are from an outside organization, you may be hesitant to speak the truth into an organization that is paying for you to be there. Many outside coaches stay silent when they know deep down something must be done – especially when the contract is up for renewal.
An experienced coach. You have been on this coaching journey for a long time and you may be tired. You’ve had situations like this before and you know what is needed to address it. But you also know you might be “opening up a can of worms” and this will be just another thing to have on your plate.
But we all know the consequence of not having these conversations. Every time we allow poor behavior and bad habits to slide, additional weight is being added to the anchor holding us back from meaningful change. Two steps forward one step back become no steps at all.
To start feeling more comfortable about having these conversations, I would like to share a simple framework I’ve developed over the years that have helped me when I don’t feel equipped, when I’m paralyzed, when I’m hesitant, or when I’m tired.
With this framework, there is never any stress. There is never any fear of repercussions. It doesn’t take a lot of energy and it doesn’t matter at what level in the organization the person you are addressing is at.
Here we go!
Frame who you are and your responsibilities.
After you have steeled up the courage and introduced yourself, stress the importance of the message you would like to share and that you’re speaking from a position of authority. It may not be a formal position of authority but as a deputized agent of change, you are the authority.
“My role as a coach REQUIRES me to share this with you. In fact, as part of what I do, if I don’t say something, I would need to turn in my coaching card.”
This may shock them a bit…but that’s ok.
Present your findings as a gift.
This next step sets the tone for the entire interaction. Your tone should be warm and your body language open and welcoming. You are not abusing your authority.
“I have something that I noticed and I would like to share it with you. This is offered as a gift – I have no agenda or motive other than to grow the capability of others. If you are open now I would like to share it with you. If this isn’t the right time, text or call me when you’re ready and I’ll come running.”
Yes, give them your cell phone number. Yes, if they text you, drop what you’re doing and go. My belief is the momentum in any change endeavor is generated through many small moments like this.
Wait for them to take the next step.
There can be only two responses after your invitation:
They can dismiss you entirely (not calling or texting) or by saying, “I don’t want to talk right now.” This doesn’t happen very often. If it does, you should feel confident knowing that you have planted a seed and there is a chance they will reach out to you in the future.
They can choose to enter the “arena of change” by saying, “Yeah, I would love to hear what you have to say.” Most of the time this will be the response you hear.
Share your insights with absolute humility and grace-filled words.
Present the gift of awareness. State the facts. Connect at a human level because we are all a work in progress. Emphasize the impact of the habit or behavior you noticed.
“I noticed when you were with the team and they were sharing their ideas, you never let then finish their thoughts. I could sense the frustration in their voices and on their faces. We’ve all been there, I’ve been guilty of the same thing but let me share what this does to your team. They slow down because they will start waiting for you to be around to make decisions and eventually, they will shut down because they don’t feel valued.”
Carefully listen to their response.
If you have made it this far, we can use the “meeting them where they are” mental model to guide us along.
The unaware may respond with, “I had no idea this was an issue.” They may have a significant blind spot and no one has been comfortable enough to give them the gift of a conversation about it.
The unable may respond with, “This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this. I’m working on it.” They are dealing with a long-lasting habit that is uneasily broken.
The unwilling may respond with, “I don’t agree with what you’re saying.” They believe they don’t have an issue and don’t need your help.
Those in the arena of change may respond with, “Wow…thank you for sharing this. What do you think I should do?” They are in the open and creative space of change…perfect!
Meet them where they are.
And now you can actually meet them where they are.
For those unaware, use storytelling. Tell them a cool story about how the scenario they were in could have played out if they behaved differently. Invite them to enter the arena of change so be prepared to have the next steps for them (i.e. read the stories of others, join a community of practice, connect with another coach).
For the unwilling, all you can do is have empathy. We’ve all been lost sometimes so just be a beacon of hope. Some of the unwilling may be going through a rough period in life so they may already feel beat down and tired. A simple response of “No worries. If you would ever like to chat about it, you have my number.” is probably enough for now. Some day, a moment of clarity may appear to them and there is a chance they will remember you.
For those unable, be prepared to sacrifice your time and energy to give them help. There isn’t anything worse than knowing the right thing to do and not being able to do it. Perform research around opportunities for them to enter into the arena of change (i.e. leadership retreats, accountability partners, other coaches) and share it with them.
For those in the arena of change, teach them new techniques and provide a few tools to create new habits and shape fresh behaviors. One simple example to close out our example might be:
“Here is one quick tip for you, for the next few days, I would like you to try to say these two phrases constantly – I trust you and I’m proud of you. Journal every time you really meant it and the times you had to fake it. Cherish all the moments you meant it. For those times you had to fake it, capture what you felt and why. I’ll check in with you next week to see how it went.“
You are taking your initial gift of a tough conversation and expanding it an engine of awareness and new habits (a changed life).
Here are a few final thoughts on how to use this framework:
- An impactful coach will have the discernment to find the right time and place to have this conversation. Never do this in public but don’t linger. Have the conversation as soon as possible.
- Always offer to continue the journey into the change arena with them or connect them with someone who can. If you can’t do this, I would consider not having this conversation.
- Use this for good things as well. If you see great behavior then tell them how much you appreciate the hard work of habit change and provide a boost of encouragement.
- If the unwilling continue with poor behavior impacting the overall organizational change journey, something will eventually need to be done about it. When organizational leadership ignores this, they are unwilling and will have little chance of changing at scale.
2 replies on “On Having the Tough Conversations”
Len, thank you so much for this post. It helped me a lot in setting the confidence in my mind, so that I am “brave” enough to react as Scrum Master when the situation comes.
[…] Teach people how to have tough conversations. You’ll know you are ready to break down your walls when ANYONE in the organization is addressing any relationship fractures regardless of position, level, or title. Not sure how to start these conversations? Here is an approach to consider. […]