Meeting Them Where They Are

As coaches, we will be encountering and interacting with people all day long. At least I hope we are. And all of these people are on a journey of change just like ourselves. Some just starting out, some who have been on it for a while, and some who don’t want anything to do with the journey.

The expectation is for you, the coach, to have an impact on each person by transferring hope, knowledge, and experience to them regardless of where they are or where they’ve been. Some will be eager to interact with you while others will shy away.

So we will need to learn how to “meet them where they are.” But how do we really know where people are along their journey and once we do know, how do we interact with them in meaningful ways?

It is easy to get this wrong. When we use the wrong words we begin to doubt ourselves. When our timing is off it can be frustrating (to us and them). When we force our coaching it can tarnish relationships and grind progress to a halt. When we ignore areas of change any hope of a holistic change taking hold is lost.

So with this post, we will dig into how we can really meet people where they are (and put ourselves in the position to enjoy the journey as well). This simple mental model will help guide the way. The beauty of this coaching model is no one is left behind – regardless of where they’ve been, where they are, or where they are going.

Let’s start with the last half of the phrase first.

Where are they?

Within the context of organizational and personal change, I’ve found people (and groups of people) generally fall into the following spectrum:

Unaware. They do not know about the possibilities a change can bring or don’t have the knowledge of what a potential change could look like. The words we use could sound like a foreign language to them. You might hear “What are you even talking about?” from the unaware.

Unwilling. They know they need to change or they know of the change but are not committed to making a change. The unwilling often fall into three categories: 1) they have been rewarded or promoted for acting a certain way and don’t believe a change would be of benefit 2) no one else is changing so why should they or 3) they just don’t feel that they need to change i.e. they are struggling with self-awareness or lingering blind spots.

Unable. They have the desire to change but they just can’t. There are always reasons why such as no time, too much work to do, or my team needs me. And for some, the habits are so deeply ingrained that they may have attempted to change in the past and couldn’t, so they are just demoralized.

Entered the Arena of Change. They have decided to make a commitment to a change. There are no more excuses. They want to start the hand-to-hand combat of breaking old habits and poor behaviors but they don’t know where to start.

Open Mind. They are mentally ready to receive fresh information. They are learning how their behaviors and actions are impacting their environment. They are open to “spinning the paradigms” in their minds and thinking about things in new ways.

Willing Muscles. They are putting in the work of change by chipping away at bad habits and replacing them with new habits. They are taking what is entering their minds and physically acting on this fresh information. Words are changing. Behaviors are changing. They have built up a network of accountability to keep them motivated throughout the journey.

Changed Life. They are living and breathing the change. What they are thinking, feeling, doing, and saying are all in alignment. People around them are seeing and hearing a “different person” and because of this, the change begins to replicate (they begin to evangelize to the unaware and care for the unwilling or unable).

How do we meet them?

For me, the majority of coaching impact does not happen by meeting people in formal settings (classrooms, speaking from the front of the room, fancy PowerPoint slides, and interactive games and simulations). While there is a time for this, the most impact we can have is with face-to-face interaction.

So coaches need to fall in love with the messiness of human-to-human interaction, especially for the unaware, unwilling, or unable. This is not very glamorous and frequently goes unnoticed but is essential for nudging people into the arena of change.

The Unaware, Unwilling, or Unable

For those who are unaware, unwilling, or unable, our primary objective as a coach should be to get them to enter the arena by meeting them in thoughtful, arms-wide-open, and grace-filled ways.

To do this, you may need to go against your natural instincts. When you want to speak…you may need to listen. When you want to teach…you may need to learn. When you want to preach…you may need to serve. With the unaware, unwilling, or unable, meeting them with typical coaching activities and language will rarely bear fruit.

For the unaware, meet them by putting coaching energy towards story–telling. We are looking to create just enough of a spark of curiosity so some of your stories may touch the fringe of science fiction. If the stories are compelling and resonate, the unaware just might gravitate towards entering the arena.

Stories you should be prepared to tell (in order of most impactful):

1. Stories from you about you. Nothing creates movement more than personal stories from your own journey.
2. Stories from others. Have people who are in the arena of change available to share their stories of struggle and hope, of peaks and valleys.
3. Stories from the future. Start a story with “Imagine a world where…” as frequently as possible as you describe a future where the work of change is paying off.
4. Stories from you about others. Have many stories of change journeys you have witnessed in your back pocket to share at any moment.

For the unwilling, meet them by putting coaching energy towards empathy. This will involve a great deal of patience and extreme listening.

I’ve found that many of the unwilling are unwilling because they are tired and skeptical. They have been grinding for a long time or they have seen many change initiatives come and go.

When we stumble upon the unwilling our natural tendency is typically one of two things: to engage in “hand-to-hand” combat by vomiting all of our knowledge on them or avoid them altogether. I know I’ve been guilty of both in the past. But instead, we should take a step towards them with an attitude of learning about their “why” and discover as much as we can about them.

Ways to find out the “why” of the unwilling:

• Listen for keywords. There might be some truth behind why they are unwilling (change initiatives went wrong for example). There may also be words of hope to latch onto to anchor future conversations about the future.
• Learn as much as possible about their past experiences. They may be a product of poor leadership behaviors in the past and their current approach is all they know.
• Be around them. Don’t force anything but stay close. Drop by every so often and ask how they are doing. Once you have listened and learned you can begin to think of the unwilling as “unaware.” Begin to tell stories of how this change will be different and what their experience will be like in the arena of change.

For the unable, coaching energy should be spent on giving. Because the unable are aware and are willing but haven’t been able to change yet, they need to experience the change. The unable need to see examples of the change in action.

Many of the unable have given up hope and are resigned to the fact that they will never change. This is your responsibility to inspire them to try again.

Examples of giving to the unable could include:

• The gift of your time. Spend all day with someone and provide real-time encouragement and conversation throughout the day.
• The sacrifice of your resources. Take them out to lunch. Send them a book. Drop a note on their desk.
• The sacrifice of your commitment. Offer to be an accountability partner to them. Give them your mobile number and tell them to text you any time they are in a situation where they could use a little coaching.

Entering the Arena

For those just entering the arena of change, coaching energy should be spent on orienting them to the journey about to unfold. We are at first, a tour guide, creating a space of safety and welcoming. We may need to hold a hand or walk with someone for a while as they prepare themselves for what is ahead.

In the Arena

Once into the arena, the fun of coaching can begin. The primary objective of a coach is to inspire hope and guide people on a journey of discovery towards a new future. We have precious cargo we are responsible for.

For those with an open mind, meet them with instructing. This is your opportunity to begin transferring bits of knowledge about the possibilities of change and how they can bring the future to life. This is where classroom settings and interactive games and exercises work well but don’t be afraid to do individual tutoring here.

Start small. Sometimes just a whiteboard is all you need. As mentioned in the post An Exit Strategy for the Agile Coach, we should give them just enough instruction to get them started.

For those with willing muscles, meet them with coaching. As they take in what has been instructed to them, you should observe them, challenge them, question them, pick them up with they stumble, and encourage them to take the next baby step. Being in the arena of change is hard work so your presence is needed to keep them focused on making a little bit of progress each day.

For those living a changed life, meet them with mentoring. With the work of change taking hold, there is evidence of the change becoming real. Their peers notice. Their team member notice. Their families notice.

Our role now is to prepare them to replicate the experience by helping others who are unaware, unwilling, and unable to enter their own change arena. And then we rattle their world by teaching them new things and opening their minds all over again.